My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.