When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby