Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
God has left this place
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.