When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
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[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*