I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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When I pack too much for a short trip.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
How can I say no to this ?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved