*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”