*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*