I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works