sir, my pâté if you please
You Might Also Like
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
What fresh Hell is this?!?