I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”