Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
absolutely not
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn