My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You Might Also Like
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My boss called in sick of me
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…