Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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this is the news I live for
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.