When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My Sentiments Exactly
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro