When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy