(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.