Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
That de-escalated quickly
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
🤣dope
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.