I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
how to market bottled water to dads
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge