ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.