*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?