I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.