The pen is writier than the sword.
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes