Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
welp
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess