avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*praying for world peace*
God:
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys