iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.