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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol