I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
You Might Also Like
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds