I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Tuesday
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch