[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”