*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Friday night party time 🥳
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.