*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.