me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m going to need a moment here.