Choose your fighter
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Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting