Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
You Might Also Like
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
OH. COME. ON.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds