”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident