Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
what kind of cook setting is this??
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Battery falling down a hole
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person