ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
dogs can find happiness so easily
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem