[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better