[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
lmao
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights