[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
That’s no pocket rocket.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy