realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
pineapples would be so much better if they didn鈥檛 eat you back.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn鈥檛 this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Is it even the holidays if you don鈥檛 have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit