Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Worth remembering.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”