My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.