5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
You Might Also Like
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu