The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.