Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!