Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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WHY?!
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My dog ate my work from home.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory