For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.