COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
where the womens at?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Love this one 😂🧟
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.