i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Easy enough.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
What my back needs
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.